Madhouse in the Birdcage
by Yours truly - Pride
Summary: Law and Doflamingo mess up in their fight, causing many people all over Dressrosa to be sewn to each other, and chaos ensues. A slightly cracky fanfic with no pairings except for ZoRobin. Do read and review!


**DISCLAIMER: I do not own One Piece or any of its characters.**

* * *

Narrator's Perspective

'Thoughts'

"Speech_" _

"**Attacks/Raised Voices"**

_Settings- Place and Time_

_Dreams_

* * *

**Madhouse in the Birdcage**

A One Piece original fanfiction

* * *

"**Ito-ito: Bird Cage,"** as Donquixote Doflamingo uttered those words, his ability weaved around the entire island of Dressrosa, a cage contained by adamantine-resilient strings.

It was, as his power dictated, a bird cage, in which some of the growing powers of the New World were no more free and able than birds in their steel confinements.

Trafalgar Law gaped around him in horror.

The situation had gotten way out of hand. The initial plan was to destroy the SMILE factory, and turn the Kaido of the Yonko's attention onto Doflamingo. And of course, watch the destruction unfold.

But noooo as had always been the case, nothing was to go according to plan with unreasonably boisterous Straw Hat Luffy-ya and the psychopathic Doffy-ya.

How he had ever thought that they could do what they had intended to do, without starting an all-out, free-for-all war, Law would never understand.

He prepared to take Doflamingo down himself, now that the situation had escalated this far.

The pink-loving Warlord got into a stance, preparing to nullify whatever the brat was planning to do. Not that he needed to unleash a move that would put the whole birdcage in disarray, but it would do the brat good to learn his place.

"**Ope-ope: Shambles!" **

A spherical room of power blinked into existence, as one of the descendants of D attempted to mix up his mortal enemy's body so bad, he'd never be able to rearrange himself.

"**Ito-ito: Suture!" **

At that exact moment, the beaten-up bodies of Bellamy the Hyena and Straw Hat Luffy collided with the two combatants, making their attacks expand out of control.

Law's room expanded to enclose the entire island, swapping people with one another, as well as objects, throwing the entire island into chaos.

Luffy and Bellamy disappeared with a barely audible 'pop' as they were transported to different parts of Dressrosa. At the same time, a pink blur knocked into Law and Doflamingo as the three of them fell to the ground.

Doflamingo's strings went haywire, latching themselves onto countless people. Then all of a sudden, they snapped taut, reeling in the victims towards each other.

For a seemingly endless moment of disorientation, the whole island fell silent and tried to gather their bearings and get back to whatever they were doing.

"Ugh…Doflamingo…you bastard. What did you fucking do this time?!" Law pushed himself up off his back and tried to lift his left arm to rub at his sore head, only to find that it was stuck under something…something that felt soft. He heard a feminine gasp.

The sunglasses-wearing Warlord pushed himself up from his face-down position on the ground when he heard a gasp. Snapping his head to the right, he saw the man he had been fighting stare at something with disbelief.

Doflamingo felt his own arm wrapped around something smooth and curved, and…armoured? Cautiously and hesitantly looking down at the figure in his arms, he saw a pink haired woman, clad in scanty armour and – dare he say it – extremely pleasing to his eyes.

Rebecca tried to stifle her scream at feeling herself trapped in between two hard bodies that were undoubtedly male. She had had her fair share of males putting the moves on her back when she was in the colosseum; but never had she found herself in the situation she currently was in.

She turned around slowly with building trepidation when she felt tricklets of a thick, viscous liquid on her arm – _blood. _Had someone injured her? Or worse, was someone else injured?

But she was met with the sight of two males; a Supernova and a Shichibukai, having nosebleeds of their own while staring at her with almost hungry eyes; it was to be expected of two people that had been too obsessed with their ambitions to notice women – well, before this, of course.

"**K-k-k-KYAAAAAHHHHHH!"**

* * *

"I hear the lovely voice of a damsel in distress, beckoning to me! Don't worry, my mellorine, Mr. Prince is coming for you!" Sanji jumped up onto his feet, his previous throbbing head completely forgotten.

He ran in the direction of the palace, kicking at the countless bodies – male, mind you – strewn across the battlefield that was Dressrosa in his quest for the princess in distress.

As he ran, he felt a huge weight pulling down on his left leg, but ignored it in favour of the greater task at hand.

"Wait for me, my love, your knight in shining armour will even cross the four seas to save you!" he proclaimed, hearts popping out of his eyes.

"Call yourself a knight again, and I'll knock those teeth out so hard, they'll come jutting out of your swirly eyebrows, dumbass!" yelled Cavendish who was nearby and already annoyed by his obvious…_sticky situation_ with Bartolomeo.

"No one asked you about it, shitty pretty-boy!" Sanji retorted. It seemed that all swordsmen were his natural rivals.

"Hey, don't insult Sanji-senpai, Cabbage! How would someone like you understand the greatness of the cook Luffy-senpai specially selected for his crew?!" Bartolomeo yelled into Cavendish's ear, taking advantage of the fact that his forearm was attached to Cavendish's back. Awkward positioning, no?

Meanwhile, a third voice piped up, attracting the other three pirates' attentions to it.

"I'll be your princess, o' heroic knight~"

Sanji felt something bad, black and unpleasant bubble up and boil in his guts, pushing it's way up his throat, as he heard the voice.

He turned, ignoring his better instincts telling him not to, and was met with the sight of a plump woman, with wrinkled face and two ugly tufts of hair sticking out of the sides of her head. If Sanji didn't know better, he'd have said that Nature had a sense of humour when he looked at her.

He did appreciate beauty where it belonged, but this…this _thing, _this disfigured _freak of nature…_

With a strangled, panicked cry, he swung his left leg with all his might to try and remove the _thing_ stuck to it.

Jola shrieked with a shrill voice as she was swung along with his leg, hitting Cavendish in the process.

"THO COOOLLLL THANJI-THENPAIIIII!" Bartolomeo screamed in euphoria, tears running rivers down his cheeks as he and Cavendish were sent flying into a rock.

'Nice, a pretty-boy-shaped hole in the rock, now to add a big, round hole right next to it,' Sanji thought to himself as he glared at Jola in revulsion.

He now knew what that feeling rising in his guts was.

_It was disgust. _

And he screamed, flailing his legs about to get the source of his disgust as far away from himself as possible.

* * *

Kyros, the great champion of the colosseum, skilled swordsman, ally of the Straw Hat Pirates, by extension allied with three of the eleven Supernovas, currently a friend of pirates, found himself attached by his cape to a Marine.

And a _Marine Admiral _at that, too!

Fujitora was no happier about what had occurred, but the law and the government were not going to save this island from the clutches of Doflamingo, and so he had to take matters into his own hands.

And if that involved him having to be near a pirate – he insisted to himself that they were not collaborating whatsoever – then he shall do so unflinchingly.

Both grumpy men walked, or in Kyros' case, hopped their way to the palace, slightly surprised and worried that the sounds of battle, clashing of metal on metal, and the environmental destruction had stopped. It could either signal that the duel was stopped or that one of them had lost. And by the fact that the Bird Cage had yet to be dispelled, Doflamingo had definitely yet to lose.

They heard a scream from the direction of the palace which sounded strangely like Rebecca.

Although Kyros' fatherly instincts were kicking in, and kicking at him in the face to go and check out whatever was going on, he ignored them in favour of his man-instincts that were screaming at him not to trust anything that involved a woman.

Oh, no definitely not. Too much trouble. Kyros prepared to turn on his heels and find a nice spot to rest in until the end of the battle royal.

As though following the same train of thoughts, Fujitora faced Kyros, willing to strike a truce with him, unwilling as he was.

"Beer?" he asked.

"Eh, sure, I don't see why not."

* * *

On the opposite side of the palace were three people who were not as disappointed with the arrangements.

Leo and Mansherry were seated on the cold metal shoulders of none other than our friendly cyborg, Fraland.

"WAAAOOOWWW A SUPER MEGA COOL ROBOT!" the two of them chorused in unison, pumping their tiny fists into the air.

They cheered in glee as Franky stomped about, amusing them with his self-made contraptions.

"Should we go and help out at the palace?" Franky asked in concern.

"No, no abort mission!" was the high-pitched reply.

"Alright!"

A poor, beaten up Senor Pink stood up on shaky legs, finding himself to be one of the lucky few people who hadn't been attached to anyone else. Watching Franky amuse his little friends, he chortled in scorn.

"A real man should never stoop so low as to be a mule for midgets," he chastised.

Franky's eyes glinted in anger as he turned to his opponent who seemed to need a little beating to teach him a lesson.

"Time for some action, kids!"

The two Tontattas only cheered in response, but regretted it as soon as Franky rapidly fired a few missiles, feeling the metal of his cyborg body heat up under their seats.

"Owowowww HOT, Fraland please stop! The heat is unbearable!" Princess Mansherry squealed.

* * *

"Ohhh you're a doctor? What a cute, fluffy little doctor!" Koala of the Revolutionaries gushed over little Chopper in his Brain Point, rubbing her cheeks against his.

"Calling me a cute doctor won't make me happy, idiot!" Chopper wiggled about, from his position with his back glued to Koala's stomach.

"A cute tanuki-chan indeed!"

"I'm a reindeer, not a tanuki!"

Ignoring his protests, Koala drew a pocket knife and made a small cut on the back of her hand, enough to draw blood.

"Look, Doctor-chan! I'm injured! Patch me up!" she showed her injured hand to Chopper, determined to wring out as much amusement as possible from him.

"AAAHH YOU'RE INJURED! WE NEED A DOCTOR!" he panicked.

"You ARE the doctor, tanuki-chan~"

From a distance, Luffy, Nami and Sabo watched Koala and Chopper's antics.

Nami had a depressed cloud of gloom over her head ever since she'd found herself stuck with Luffy and Sabo, her arms looped around one of each.

"What's she doing with Chopper? Is she gonna eat him? I want in!" yelled Luffy.

"LUFFY! How many times must I tell you? CHOPPER IS NOT FOOD!" Nami raged against her captain, headbutting him since her arms were bound.

"Eh, I never knew Koala was this dorky," Sabo threw in his bit.

"Sabo? You're here too?! Luffy turned to his brother in surprise and shock, more of the former than the latter.

"Heh, Luffy, how you've grown."

"Sabo! I want that rematch! Now!"

"What makes you think you could beat me now, when you lost to me fifty times a day before?"

Luffy's only response was to cock his fist back as far as he could, stretching it to its limits.

"Oh? You're on." Sabo lit one of his fists on fire, oblivious to Nami screeching at himself and Luffy to be more considerate of the 'poor soul' stuck between them.

Nami thought she caught the black metallic glint of her Clima-tact, and felt a flare of hope.

But then again, she couldn't use her hands, so what use was the Clima-tact?

Even if she could, it was no use when one found herself in between two warring monsters, she decided, and slipped further into her pit of depression and doom.

* * *

"Yohoho! Miss, since we're now stuck together, can I see your panties?" Brook nudged the woman next to him, expecting the usual punch to the head and a shriek of violation.

'He…he needs me!' Baby 5 cried tears of joy, overjoyed that she could finally be of some use.

Lifting her skirt up, she caused many men to die of nosebleeds that day.

Brook, for his part, had a thick trail of blood leading all the way from his nose-holes to the puddle of blood at his feet.

"I have seen all there is to see, and now I can rest in peace! Even though I have no eyes to see with! Yohohoho…" Brook trailed off, slipping into unconsciousness, without the strength to even laugh at his own skull joke.

"No, don't die! You still need me!" Baby 5 cried out in dismay.

"That…," Brook began, and the woman leaned closer to him to listen to what he was saying.

"Yes? What is it? I know you need me, so ask anything and I will fulfil it!" she vowed with tears in her eyes.

"…doesn't even make sense…"

Many other civilians nearby comically fell forward, large sweatdrops running down their foreheads and mixing with the blood on the ground.

* * *

"Hmmm, well, that building could collapse and crush the unconscious bodies underneath it, and those people would die without even knowing what hit them," Zoro smirked.

"That was a good one, Zoro-kun. But don't count me out yet," Robin replied, her shoulder stuck to Zoro's.

She surveyed the chaos-ridden surroundings from their perch on the rooftop of one of the higher buildings on the island.

"Well, Donquixote Doflamingo could lose control of his bird cage, causing it to shrink and slice everyone into a thousand little evenly-sliced strips," she countered, continuing their game of spot-the-morbid-possibilities.

"Ahh that's going to be a tough one to beat…," Zoro groaned, then conceded defeat.

"Guess I win then, Zoro-kun. But you forgot the fact that if Fujitora-san were to get hammered drunk and lose control, he might just bring down a meteor shower upon Dressrosa, and everyone would be killed," she smiled serenely at him, her face not belying the sadistic thoughts that ran below her calm waters.

Zoro mock-glared at her.

"Dammit, Robin. Now you say that."

She merely giggled.

"Well, Zoro-kun, should we check up on Luffy-kun and the rest of the crew?"

"Eh, later. I know for a fact that they can take care of themselves. Besides, I rather like being here like this."

Robin blushed a mild shade of pink.

* * *

Usopp looked at the hell that had broken loose on Dressrosa, and watched people struggle to move around or even stand properly with their bodies sewn to one another. He tried his best to block out the shrill cries of horror that resounded again and again on the island, but they still managed to send an involuntary shudder down his spine.

He felt something light on his chest, but was afraid to check what it was.

Slowly, with a building sense of impending doom, he looked down to see a aquamarine-haired girl with a monocle and a bear-eared hood over her head, plastered to his front.

At exactly the same time, Sugar looked up to find herself face to face with the man whose face had haunted her for the past few hours with its horrifyingly terror-struck visage.

"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!" Usopp and Sugar screamed right into one another's faces, promptly dropping back to the ground, unconscious.

A few passers-by sniggered, managing to find the humour even in the midst of the madness that was occurring.

* * *

"H-hey, Doflamingo. You really should fix this, you know?" Law stuttered weakly.

"Umm…do I have to?" Doflamingo asked, sounding almost disappointed.

"Guess we don't have to…," Law conceded.

"Let's have a temporary truce then?" the Shichibukai proposed, too awestruck and happy with his current situation to even think his words through.

"Okay."

"DO I HAVE NO SAY IN THIS?!" Rebecca screeched at the two of them who had their arms around her waist and chest.

"No," the two men chorused, deadpanning.

* * *

_End_

* * *

**Pride: Done! I got a little impatient towards the end though, so that would seem kinda rushed. Also, apologies for the OOCness! This was one of my more unrefined pieces, but I hope it turned out okay at least. **

**Anyways, hope you enjoyed it, read and review please! **

**May good fortune rule over you  
Peace live in your heart, and  
May the stars watch over you**

**\- Yours truly, Pride**


End file.
